Alice in Wonderland directed by Tim Burton was released this month to movie theaters across the nation, and as I was watching it, I realized that this story is really about "teen angst". The protagonist Alice falls into the rabbit hole after running away from a gentleman and a crowd waiting to hear her answer to an unwanted marriage proposal. Being that this was set in the Victorian Age, a proposal during adolescence was not that unusual. She is shocked, scared, and appalled by the surprise proposal from someone she finds repulsive and is even more confused that everyone including her family expected her to say "yes". The gentleman after all was a Lord from an upstanding, aristocratic family. She runs away chasing a rabbit in a waistcoat and crawls into the rabbit hole discovering this exotic land called Wonderland. In Wonderland, she makes many friends and enemies and is told her duty is to slay the Jabberwocky so the good White Queen may rule again. During her journey, she is often asked and told that she is not the "right Alice "and keeps debating this while finally coming into the realization that she is Alice- beautifully unique, smart, independent Alice that can and will slay the Jabberwoky. Due to her realization and confidence, she succeeds in slaying him, and thus, the White Queen rules again. She becomes Wonderland's hero! More importantly, she become her own hero.
How does this Victorian story relate to today's teen angst we hear so much about? Consider this- Alice seeing things and imagining things that are not really there or may be there is the adolescent mind. Adults seem as bizarre and confusing as talking flowers. The White Rabbit is what makes a teen want to run away from everything. The hookah smoking caterpillar is the existential voice inside constantly asking "who are you, and are you really who you say you are?" The Mad Hatter is the best friend that they grow to love, depend on, and care for, and the Red Queen is the bully, which could even be a destructive inner voice, that dominates and all it wants to do is behead. Finally, the Jabberwocky is the ultimate test which the teen must face and defeat to finally prove their independence and sense of self. Thus, the White Queen of inner peace and acceptance prevails.
For parents and friends dealing with teen angst, there are some productive, easy techniques you can apply for your peace of mind and for your teenager. Never fear there are solutions!
1. Communication- Keep the lines of communication open. Even though your teen might moan and groan when you try to talk to them or say they are not listening when you are talking- they really are. Find good times to talk to your teen. A great time is in the car because they cannot go anywhere. Ask them questions from a non-judgmental and non-accusatory point of view. Listen actively by parroting back to them or para-phrasing to them what they just said. Always tell them that you are there to listen.
2. Family dinners- I cannot express enough the importance of this. Sitting down every night or as many nights as possible eating diner without the TV, computer, phone, or i-pod on has proven empirically to be effective in being a positive influence for teens and the family system. Sometimes that last thing you want to do when you come home from work is to make dinner; therefore plan weekly dinners ahead of time. Get a slow cooker and a rice and vegetable cooker, which is a great, nutritious, economical way of having dinner cooking while you are at work so it will be ready when you get home. Have everyone in the family take turns making dinner. Have a rule to turn off all electronics during dinner except maybe background music. Talk at the table! Do not eat in silence! Have a ritual conversation such as "wins" for that day or funny stuff that happened! Some of the most special times in my adolescence were on random week nights when I listened to my mom and dad tell stories of their high school and college days. I remember all of those stories to this day and would love to write them as short stories.
3. Turn it off! Have a scheduled time during the week that everyone in the house stops using all electronics for an hour or so. Teens need to be alone and this means getting off of chat lines or social websites and the telephone. They need to just be with themselves and like it or not so do parents. Just be.
4. Curfew. Have a curfew. Have an established curfew of when your teen needs to be at home,and do not budge on this. If they break curfew, dock time from it the next time they go out. Also, find out what their friend's curfew is if they go and spend the night by talking to their friend's parents. Remember your teen craves structure and discipline.
5. Friends. Pay attention to their friends. If you do not like a group they are socializing with, do not approve outings with them. Get to know their friend's parents too. Really know who your teen is socializing with. Remember for a teen, social life is the most important thing for them and the most influential aspect. Also, it is okay to eavesdrop on your teen's conversations with their friends.
6. Counseling. If you are worried about your teen, seek family counseling or have them go to counseling. Remember that having your teen go to counseling is not a reflection of bad parenting. Sometimes it is easier for your teen to talk to someone outside the family and not a peer in school. A lot of times, they will resist going to counseling, but once they go, the flood gates open. As a therapist, I have seen it many times.
7. Educate yourself about teen positive and negative pop culture regarding sex, drugs, and social habits. Lets face it, the drugs that were on the scene when you were a teen are not the same as now, and the US has the 2nd highest teenage pregnancy rate of any industrialized nation. Do this by reading teen websites, teen magazines, and parent publications.
If you would like to add to suggestions, please do so. I hope that this is beneficial for you. Thank you for reading, and thank you for your support. Please pass along.
Many Blessings,
Kathryn A. R. James, MFT
www.kjamesmft.com
415.244.5590
