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A Big, Fat, Juicy Piece of....

GOSSIP! catches the attention of millions of people daily and is passed along at lightening speed through talking, phone calls, text messages, news, emails, snail mail, periodicals, Facebook, Twitter, My Space, You Tube, and other countless ways. Gossip? Where would we be without it, and where are we with it? And more importantly why are we so interested and intrigued with it?

Well, for one most of the major newspaper and magazines would not be in business and most likely none of the social networks would be in business either and there would be no such thing as reality TV. Let us face it, no matter your educational, social economic status, or cultural background, you- yes, you- like gossip! Sure the topics vary on what interests you most from the lives of celebrities to the newest and most advance technological gadget that is supposedly being invented. Just imagine all of the "computer geeks" gossiping about the launch date of the i-phone and where and when to buy it the fastest? As you have probably already guessed April's tardy blog is about gossip, the evolutionary history of it, and how to manage it. I can tell you now that telling your teenager, friend, or spouse to "STOP GOSSIPING!" is not going to work! Yes, gossiping is evolutionary ingrained in us, and here is why.

First let us start with the basics of gossip. The etymology of "gossip" is from the Old English word god- sib which means godparent or someone of close relation to the individual or family that shares information. Webster's dictionary defines gossip as the following: 1 a: a person who habitually reveals personal or sensational facts about others; 2 a: rumor or report of an intimate nature; b: a chatty talk; c: the subject matter of gossip. Because we are animals that communicate with language, over time we evolved to supersede the original reasons to communicate.

The original reason that language was developed initially was to share information on how to do things such as "this is how you build a fire" and "this is how you make a spear". As living in tribes eventually grew into communities, towns, and cities etc, the language we originally developed to communicate how to do things became used for other means too. Those other means are the who's and what's about one another- ie gossip. Our tribal ancestors began to exchange information about one another such as who was a good, potential mate, who was going to work in favor of the tribe, and who was a loyal friend. I know you are probably cringing at the thought of our tribal ancestors donned in a loin cloth, crouched around a fire, eating meat off a bone, as they exchange information or gossip about one another's mating abilities, but truth be told, without that image we would not be here. Thus, social intelligence and social skills were born. If there were doubts in the tribe that one would behave inappropriately or be a threat, information or gossip was spread about that which in turn led that person's likelihood of not having genes passed along.

Now, let us return to the 21st Century. This blog topic was requested by a blog follower for she wanted to know why people gossip, and its purpose if there is one. She has recently divorced, and during the divorce, she realized who her true friends were and were not based on their gossiping and rumor spreading. Some of her friends liberally told her private business to others after she explicitly asked them not to, and thus they broke her trust and hurt her feelings. She in turn disregarded them from "her tribe". Yes, this rumor spreading is not healthy or productive for anyone and nor is it being socially intelligent because one risks the chance of be ousted from a tribe so to speak. So I declare to my blog followers and all members of the human race that it is a fact that as long as there are humans that can talk, write, or tweet, there will always be gossip. Therefore, here are some helpful suggestions on how to manage gossip and what to do in face of negative gossip.

1. Discipline yourself to engage only in positive gossip such as "Jane got a work promotion!", "Charles is getting married!", or "Julia just graduated Magna Cum Laude. Isn't that great?!".

2. Know who your tribal members are and their gossiping habits. If you know that a person is a walking, talking gossip column, it will probably behoove you to not tell them your deepest secrets. Be careful of and smart about who your confidants are. Remember the best person to tell your secrets to is your lawyer, doctor, and/or psychotherapist for they are bound by law not to tell.

3. If you child(ren) who are being hurt by vicious gossip at school, and it is beginning to effect them negatively, have them get OFF of chat rooms, social networks, and the phone. Go to the school and talk to the school counselor, principal, or school board about gossip bullying. Right now is a great time because schools are shaken up since the teenager Phoebe Prince in Massachusetts committed suicide due to gossip and cyber bullying. Express a NO TOLERANCE for gossip bullying to the school, and at the same time, engage your teen in positive activities such as martial arts to build self esteem or go outside of school friends to socialize. If you have a teen who is being the gossip bully, express a NO TOLERANCE rule and watch your gossiping habits as well. Encourage your teen to not "buy into" false, negative gossip.

4. If a friend of yours begins to gossip about someone and you feel uncomfortable, change the subject, tell them that you feel uncomfortable talking about that person, or disengage and realize that they are doing what is evolutionarily ingrained in humans. Picture the tribe members around the fire in a loin cloth.

5. Understand that some negative gossip can be a good thing and work in your benefit. For example, a friend of mine who is getting a divorce was recently at a party when someone told her that her soon-to-be ex husband was having a liaison with a married woman right at the beginning of their courtship. My friend claimed that if she had heard that gossip then she would have immediately ended dating him and thus would have never married him and now be getting a divorce. Therefore learn how to use negative gossip to your benefit!

Thank you for reading and Please do not hesitate to send me topic requests or to post your input on the blog page! To my blog follower who requested the topic, thank you for it was a great, fun topic to research and write about. I apologize for being late with April's blog post. but lately, I have been having technical difficulties! If you would like to reach me, you may call at 415.244.5590 or email me at kjamesmft@gmail.com!

Loyally,

Kathryn A. R. James, MFT

April's blog topic...

Stay tuned for April's topic. It is a secret and very intriguing. And yes, this month's blog is late! So sorry, and thank you for all of your patience and support!

Blessings, Kathryn James, LMFT

www.kjamesmft.com