Three Great Summer Reads

Greetings!

May's blog will be a recommendation blog on three great reads that I often recommend to friends, colleagues, people at the cafe, and clients. The reason I recommend them is that they have all had a profound, positive effect on my life and other readers of these books have declared the same.

So here they are ( drum roll, please!):
1. The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, Ph.D.
2. Mindful Loving by Henry Grayson, Ph.D.
3. Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.

Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages breaks down the five basic ways that we feel, receive, and give love to a partner. After years of interviewing thousands of couples, Dr. Chapman came up with these 5 "languages," which are words of affirmation, physical affection, spending quality time, acts of service, and gift giving.

"Words of affirmation" can be sayings like "I love your smile" or "you are so lovable" even cards or love letter will do. "Physical affection" is doing just that - being affectionate physically but beyond sex! Hand holding, caressing someone's hair, kissing, rubbing someone's back, etc.. Again, it is not JUST sex.

"Spending quality time" is just like it sounds - spending time by doing activities together such as trying out a new restaurant, playing a game, or going on a day trip while "acts of service" occur when a partner does their partner a favor such as the laundry or getting the car serviced. Finally, "gift giving" is showcased through receiving gifts which do not have to be elaborate or expensive, but can be small, sentimental things.

Chapman provides a language assessment to readers and provides steps in how to speak other love languages to readers. He also explains how his methods have been imperially proven. (Please note that Chapman does write from a Christan perspective but is revered by those from all backgrounds.)

Dr. Henry Grayson, a practicing psychologist from New York City, is the author of Mindful Loving- 10 Practices for Creating Deeper Connections. Grayson has a doctorate in psychology and theology and is a life long student of physics. Grayson's iconic work Mindful Loving challenges every day thoughts and beliefs about love in particular the "falling in love" syndrome and also provides how to achieve a more fulfilling relationship with others and especially yourself.

On a personal note, Grayson's Mindful Loving found me and changed my life dramatically for the better and came at the time when I needed a big change in my thoughts and beliefs about relationships with everyone. I call his book "on the read list of life." I have since attended several trainings by him and have witnessed that he practices what he preaches! I will not go into further detail about Mindful Loving but instead shout- READ THIS!

As my third summer read, I recommend the New York Times bestseller Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert which is an autobiography of the writer's experiences and life lessons learned in Italy, India, and Indonesia. Gilbert is a New York married woman who goes into existential crisis when she decides her married, suburban life is not how she envisioned her life nor is it at all satisfying. After getting a divorce, she decides to travel a year to Italy to learn the language and to eat freely, then onto India to study with her guru, and then to Indonesia to teach a Medicine Man English. We journey with Gilbert to these beautiful places and learn how she discovers that there is so much more than this. And as a reader, you may ask yourself, "How can I discover and feel that there is so much more than this and I am truly living the life that I envisioned?"

I hope that you will consider each book that I have recommended and all are available on Amazon which you may access from my blog. The Kindle versions are available as well. I also hope that from each read you will come away with more self insight and techniques to apply to your life and to your relationships with others. Thank you for your support and please pass along to others. Remember this blog is for you! You may reach me at 415.244.5590 or kjamesmft.gmail.com.

Blessings,

Kathryn A. R. James, MFT
www.kjamesmft.com

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Kathryn James, MFT

A Big, Fat, Juicy Piece of....

GOSSIP! catches the attention of millions of people daily and is passed along at lightening speed through talking, phone calls, text messages, news, emails, snail mail, periodicals, Facebook, Twitter, My Space, You Tube, and other countless ways. Gossip? Where would we be without it, and where are we with it? And more importantly why are we so interested and intrigued with it?

Well, for one most of the major newspaper and magazines would not be in business and most likely none of the social networks would be in business either and there would be no such thing as reality TV. Let us face it, no matter your educational, social economic status, or cultural background, you- yes, you- like gossip! Sure the topics vary on what interests you most from the lives of celebrities to the newest and most advance technological gadget that is supposedly being invented. Just imagine all of the "computer geeks" gossiping about the launch date of the i-phone and where and when to buy it the fastest? As you have probably already guessed April's tardy blog is about gossip, the evolutionary history of it, and how to manage it. I can tell you now that telling your teenager, friend, or spouse to "STOP GOSSIPING!" is not going to work! Yes, gossiping is evolutionary ingrained in us, and here is why.

First let us start with the basics of gossip. The etymology of "gossip" is from the Old English word god- sib which means godparent or someone of close relation to the individual or family that shares information. Webster's dictionary defines gossip as the following: 1 a: a person who habitually reveals personal or sensational facts about others; 2 a: rumor or report of an intimate nature; b: a chatty talk; c: the subject matter of gossip. Because we are animals that communicate with language, over time we evolved to supersede the original reasons to communicate.

The original reason that language was developed initially was to share information on how to do things such as "this is how you build a fire" and "this is how you make a spear". As living in tribes eventually grew into communities, towns, and cities etc, the language we originally developed to communicate how to do things became used for other means too. Those other means are the who's and what's about one another- ie gossip. Our tribal ancestors began to exchange information about one another such as who was a good, potential mate, who was going to work in favor of the tribe, and who was a loyal friend. I know you are probably cringing at the thought of our tribal ancestors donned in a loin cloth, crouched around a fire, eating meat off a bone, as they exchange information or gossip about one another's mating abilities, but truth be told, without that image we would not be here. Thus, social intelligence and social skills were born. If there were doubts in the tribe that one would behave inappropriately or be a threat, information or gossip was spread about that which in turn led that person's likelihood of not having genes passed along.

Now, let us return to the 21st Century. This blog topic was requested by a blog follower for she wanted to know why people gossip, and its purpose if there is one. She has recently divorced, and during the divorce, she realized who her true friends were and were not based on their gossiping and rumor spreading. Some of her friends liberally told her private business to others after she explicitly asked them not to, and thus they broke her trust and hurt her feelings. She in turn disregarded them from "her tribe". Yes, this rumor spreading is not healthy or productive for anyone and nor is it being socially intelligent because one risks the chance of be ousted from a tribe so to speak. So I declare to my blog followers and all members of the human race that it is a fact that as long as there are humans that can talk, write, or tweet, there will always be gossip. Therefore, here are some helpful suggestions on how to manage gossip and what to do in face of negative gossip.

1. Discipline yourself to engage only in positive gossip such as "Jane got a work promotion!", "Charles is getting married!", or "Julia just graduated Magna Cum Laude. Isn't that great?!".

2. Know who your tribal members are and their gossiping habits. If you know that a person is a walking, talking gossip column, it will probably behoove you to not tell them your deepest secrets. Be careful of and smart about who your confidants are. Remember the best person to tell your secrets to is your lawyer, doctor, and/or psychotherapist for they are bound by law not to tell.

3. If you child(ren) who are being hurt by vicious gossip at school, and it is beginning to effect them negatively, have them get OFF of chat rooms, social networks, and the phone. Go to the school and talk to the school counselor, principal, or school board about gossip bullying. Right now is a great time because schools are shaken up since the teenager Phoebe Prince in Massachusetts committed suicide due to gossip and cyber bullying. Express a NO TOLERANCE for gossip bullying to the school, and at the same time, engage your teen in positive activities such as martial arts to build self esteem or go outside of school friends to socialize. If you have a teen who is being the gossip bully, express a NO TOLERANCE rule and watch your gossiping habits as well. Encourage your teen to not "buy into" false, negative gossip.

4. If a friend of yours begins to gossip about someone and you feel uncomfortable, change the subject, tell them that you feel uncomfortable talking about that person, or disengage and realize that they are doing what is evolutionarily ingrained in humans. Picture the tribe members around the fire in a loin cloth.

5. Understand that some negative gossip can be a good thing and work in your benefit. For example, a friend of mine who is getting a divorce was recently at a party when someone told her that her soon-to-be ex husband was having a liaison with a married woman right at the beginning of their courtship. My friend claimed that if she had heard that gossip then she would have immediately ended dating him and thus would have never married him and now be getting a divorce. Therefore learn how to use negative gossip to your benefit!

Thank you for reading and Please do not hesitate to send me topic requests or to post your input on the blog page! To my blog follower who requested the topic, thank you for it was a great, fun topic to research and write about. I apologize for being late with April's blog post. but lately, I have been having technical difficulties! If you would like to reach me, you may call at 415.244.5590 or email me at kjamesmft@gmail.com!

Loyally,

Kathryn A. R. James, MFT

April's blog topic...

Stay tuned for April's topic. It is a secret and very intriguing. And yes, this month's blog is late! So sorry, and thank you for all of your patience and support!

Blessings, Kathryn James, LMFT

www.kjamesmft.com

The Rabbit Hole of Teen Angst

Alice in Wonderland directed by Tim Burton was released this month to movie theaters across the nation, and as I was watching it, I realized that this story is really about "teen angst". The protagonist Alice falls into the rabbit hole after running away from a gentleman and a crowd waiting to hear her answer to an unwanted marriage proposal. Being that this was set in the Victorian Age, a proposal during adolescence was not that unusual. She is shocked, scared, and appalled by the surprise proposal from someone she finds repulsive and is even more confused that everyone including her family expected her to say "yes". The gentleman after all was a Lord from an upstanding, aristocratic family. She runs away chasing a rabbit in a waistcoat and crawls into the rabbit hole discovering this exotic land called Wonderland. In Wonderland, she makes many friends and enemies and is told her duty is to slay the Jabberwocky so the good White Queen may rule again. During her journey, she is often asked and told that she is not the "right Alice "and keeps debating this while finally coming into the realization that she is Alice- beautifully unique, smart, independent Alice that can and will slay the Jabberwoky. Due to her realization and confidence, she succeeds in slaying him, and thus, the White Queen rules again. She becomes Wonderland's hero! More importantly, she become her own hero.


How does this Victorian story relate to today's teen angst we hear so much about? Consider this- Alice seeing things and imagining things that are not really there or may be there is the adolescent mind. Adults seem as bizarre and confusing as talking flowers. The White Rabbit is what makes a teen want to run away from everything. The hookah smoking caterpillar is the existential voice inside constantly asking "who are you, and are you really who you say you are?" The Mad Hatter is the best friend that they grow to love, depend on, and care for, and the Red Queen is the bully, which could even be a destructive inner voice, that dominates and all it wants to do is behead. Finally, the Jabberwocky is the ultimate test which the teen must face and defeat to finally prove their independence and sense of self. Thus, the White Queen of inner peace and acceptance prevails.


For parents and friends dealing with teen angst, there are some productive, easy techniques you can apply for your peace of mind and for your teenager. Never fear there are solutions!

1. Communication- Keep the lines of communication open. Even though your teen might moan and groan when you try to talk to them or say they are not listening when you are talking- they really are. Find good times to talk to your teen. A great time is in the car because they cannot go anywhere. Ask them questions from a non-judgmental and non-accusatory point of view. Listen actively by parroting back to them or para-phrasing to them what they just said. Always tell them that you are there to listen.


2. Family dinners- I cannot express enough the importance of this. Sitting down every night or as many nights as possible eating diner without the TV, computer, phone, or i-pod on has proven empirically to be effective in being a positive influence for teens and the family system. Sometimes that last thing you want to do when you come home from work is to make dinner; therefore plan weekly dinners ahead of time. Get a slow cooker and a rice and vegetable cooker, which is a great, nutritious, economical way of having dinner cooking while you are at work so it will be ready when you get home. Have everyone in the family take turns making dinner. Have a rule to turn off all electronics during dinner except maybe background music. Talk at the table! Do not eat in silence! Have a ritual conversation such as "wins" for that day or funny stuff that happened! Some of the most special times in my adolescence were on random week nights when I listened to my mom and dad tell stories of their high school and college days. I remember all of those stories to this day and would love to write them as short stories.


3. Turn it off! Have a scheduled time during the week that everyone in the house stops using all electronics for an hour or so. Teens need to be alone and this means getting off of chat lines or social websites and the telephone. They need to just be with themselves and like it or not so do parents. Just be.


4. Curfew. Have a curfew. Have an established curfew of when your teen needs to be at home,and do not budge on this. If they break curfew, dock time from it the next time they go out. Also, find out what their friend's curfew is if they go and spend the night by talking to their friend's parents. Remember your teen craves structure and discipline.


5. Friends. Pay attention to their friends. If you do not like a group they are socializing with, do not approve outings with them. Get to know their friend's parents too. Really know who your teen is socializing with. Remember for a teen, social life is the most important thing for them and the most influential aspect. Also, it is okay to eavesdrop on your teen's conversations with their friends.


6. Counseling. If you are worried about your teen, seek family counseling or have them go to counseling. Remember that having your teen go to counseling is not a reflection of bad parenting. Sometimes it is easier for your teen to talk to someone outside the family and not a peer in school. A lot of times, they will resist going to counseling, but once they go, the flood gates open. As a therapist, I have seen it many times.


7. Educate yourself about teen positive and negative pop culture regarding sex, drugs, and social habits. Lets face it, the drugs that were on the scene when you were a teen are not the same as now, and the US has the 2nd highest teenage pregnancy rate of any industrialized nation. Do this by reading teen websites, teen magazines, and parent publications.


If you would like to add to suggestions, please do so. I hope that this is beneficial for you. Thank you for reading, and thank you for your support. Please pass along.

Many Blessings,
Kathryn A. R. James, MFT

www.kjamesmft.com
415.244.5590

What's Love Got to do With It?

Now that we are in Valentine's Season, I find it most appropriate to write about love and different types of love. First let us look at the basics of love. There are three different kinds of love- agape, altruistic, and erotic. Agape is Greek for brotherly love or how one might feel for a friend, parent, or sibling. Altruistic love is love for humankind- think of Mother Theresa. Finally, erotic love is romantic love or how we feel for our spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend.

In romantic or erotic relationships, humans experience 3 different subcategories of love- which include passionate love, intimate love, and commitment love. All of three of these loves combined together is called Consummate Love. Passionate love is infatuation. Remember how when you were in high school and your crush was like a demi- god or goddess to you? He/she could absolutely do no wrong and the most mundane action he/she did was simply the most attractive thing you ever saw? That is passionate love. MRI studies have confirmed that during passionate love our brain chemistry is the same as it is when someone is under the influence of narcotics such as cocaine and ecstasy. Physically, we get a huge dopamine rush, and it feels euphoric! It feels so, so great! Wouldn't it be great if it could last like that all the time? However, passionate love is the first to peak and the first to decline.

Intimate love in a relationship is generally the second to peak. Intimate love forms when you and your partner become friends and have a deeper bonding and understanding. The relationship hopefully is growing stronger, or you are finding out that this person is not really compatible with you, which is fine. I remember when I was about 10 years old, I asked my mother who her best friend was. She said my father. and then I asked my dad- he said "your mother". As a 10 year old, I was so confused and perplexed by their answers. I did not understand how they could like each other romantically and be friends. What they were describing to me was their intimate love they had for one another. Ideally, intimate love will be on a continuous, steady increase in your relationship.

Commitment love is the last to develop and the slowest to grow typically. As important as commitment love is, without the other two types love it looks like this: "we stayed married for the children even though we are not happy".

Therefore, passionate love plus intimate love, plus commitment love equals consummate love which is ideally what every couple should develop and work towards especially when considering a long term partnership. Studies have confirmed that consummate love is the most difficult to achieve and the most fulfilling!

Now that you know this information, hopefully you will be more aware of yourself and your partner. Take an inventory of these loves if you are in a relationship or in the next relationship you enter. Be aware of the trickiness and the fast peak and decline of passionate love. Nurture and create intimate bonding through experiences with someone but not too fast. Ask questions about your date's personal life! Really get to know the person, but take your time with it. As a therapist my opinion is that people don't ask their date's enough important questions prior to jumping into a commitment or marriage! You must always know who you are dating! As far as commitment love is concerned, test your the compatibility and be sure you are on the same life path with the other person. Then consummate love will hopefully be coming your way.


So "what does love got to do with it"? Well, a lot and a little. Brain chemistry with dopamine rushes and endorphins are at work, teachings and beliefs from society and culture are at work, and individual life time goals are at work! So love? Who knows?


Blessings,
Kathryn James, LMFT
www.kjamesmft.com
Thank you for reading. Please let me know of any questions or requests you have.

February Postings

February's month's postings will be on love, sex, and marriage and teenage angst! Please stay tuned. Submit any questions you may have prior to postings.

Thank You!
Blessings, Kathryn James