Now that we are in Valentine's Season, I find it most appropriate to write about love and different types of love. First let us look at the basics of love. There are three different kinds of love- agape, altruistic, and erotic. Agape is Greek for brotherly love or how one might feel for a friend, parent, or sibling. Altruistic love is love for humankind- think of Mother Theresa. Finally, erotic love is romantic love or how we feel for our spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend.
In romantic or erotic relationships, humans experience 3 different subcategories of love- which include passionate love, intimate love, and commitment love. All of three of these loves combined together is called Consummate Love. Passionate love is infatuation. Remember how when you were in high school and your crush was like a demi- god or goddess to you? He/she could absolutely do no wrong and the most mundane action he/she did was simply the most attractive thing you ever saw? That is passionate love. MRI studies have confirmed that during passionate love our brain chemistry is the same as it is when someone is under the influence of narcotics such as cocaine and ecstasy. Physically, we get a huge dopamine rush, and it feels euphoric! It feels so, so great! Wouldn't it be great if it could last like that all the time? However, passionate love is the first to peak and the first to decline.
Intimate love in a relationship is generally the second to peak. Intimate love forms when you and your partner become friends and have a deeper bonding and understanding. The relationship hopefully is growing stronger, or you are finding out that this person is not really compatible with you, which is fine. I remember when I was about 10 years old, I asked my mother who her best friend was. She said my father. and then I asked my dad- he said "your mother". As a 10 year old, I was so confused and perplexed by their answers. I did not understand how they could like each other romantically and be friends. What they were describing to me was their intimate love they had for one another. Ideally, intimate love will be on a continuous, steady increase in your relationship.
Commitment love is the last to develop and the slowest to grow typically. As important as commitment love is, without the other two types love it looks like this: "we stayed married for the children even though we are not happy".
Therefore, passionate love plus intimate love, plus commitment love equals consummate love which is ideally what every couple should develop and work towards especially when considering a long term partnership. Studies have confirmed that consummate love is the most difficult to achieve and the most fulfilling!
Now that you know this information, hopefully you will be more aware of yourself and your partner. Take an inventory of these loves if you are in a relationship or in the next relationship you enter. Be aware of the trickiness and the fast peak and decline of passionate love. Nurture and create intimate bonding through experiences with someone but not too fast. Ask questions about your date's personal life! Really get to know the person, but take your time with it. As a therapist my opinion is that people don't ask their date's enough important questions prior to jumping into a commitment or marriage! You must always know who you are dating! As far as commitment love is concerned, test your the compatibility and be sure you are on the same life path with the other person. Then consummate love will hopefully be coming your way.
So "what does love got to do with it"? Well, a lot and a little. Brain chemistry with dopamine rushes and endorphins are at work, teachings and beliefs from society and culture are at work, and individual life time goals are at work! So love? Who knows?
Blessings,
Kathryn James, LMFT
www.kjamesmft.com
Thank you for reading. Please let me know of any questions or requests you have.
In romantic or erotic relationships, humans experience 3 different subcategories of love- which include passionate love, intimate love, and commitment love. All of three of these loves combined together is called Consummate Love. Passionate love is infatuation. Remember how when you were in high school and your crush was like a demi- god or goddess to you? He/she could absolutely do no wrong and the most mundane action he/she did was simply the most attractive thing you ever saw? That is passionate love. MRI studies have confirmed that during passionate love our brain chemistry is the same as it is when someone is under the influence of narcotics such as cocaine and ecstasy. Physically, we get a huge dopamine rush, and it feels euphoric! It feels so, so great! Wouldn't it be great if it could last like that all the time? However, passionate love is the first to peak and the first to decline.
Intimate love in a relationship is generally the second to peak. Intimate love forms when you and your partner become friends and have a deeper bonding and understanding. The relationship hopefully is growing stronger, or you are finding out that this person is not really compatible with you, which is fine. I remember when I was about 10 years old, I asked my mother who her best friend was. She said my father. and then I asked my dad- he said "your mother". As a 10 year old, I was so confused and perplexed by their answers. I did not understand how they could like each other romantically and be friends. What they were describing to me was their intimate love they had for one another. Ideally, intimate love will be on a continuous, steady increase in your relationship.
Commitment love is the last to develop and the slowest to grow typically. As important as commitment love is, without the other two types love it looks like this: "we stayed married for the children even though we are not happy".
Therefore, passionate love plus intimate love, plus commitment love equals consummate love which is ideally what every couple should develop and work towards especially when considering a long term partnership. Studies have confirmed that consummate love is the most difficult to achieve and the most fulfilling!
Now that you know this information, hopefully you will be more aware of yourself and your partner. Take an inventory of these loves if you are in a relationship or in the next relationship you enter. Be aware of the trickiness and the fast peak and decline of passionate love. Nurture and create intimate bonding through experiences with someone but not too fast. Ask questions about your date's personal life! Really get to know the person, but take your time with it. As a therapist my opinion is that people don't ask their date's enough important questions prior to jumping into a commitment or marriage! You must always know who you are dating! As far as commitment love is concerned, test your the compatibility and be sure you are on the same life path with the other person. Then consummate love will hopefully be coming your way.
So "what does love got to do with it"? Well, a lot and a little. Brain chemistry with dopamine rushes and endorphins are at work, teachings and beliefs from society and culture are at work, and individual life time goals are at work! So love? Who knows?
Blessings,
Kathryn James, LMFT
www.kjamesmft.com
Thank you for reading. Please let me know of any questions or requests you have.
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